Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other

AKRON, OH—According to witnesses, a tight-knit group of five female friends spent a wild night on the town Saturday, overindulging in emotionally supportive behavior and generally validating the living shit out of each other.

Confirming the women get together at least once a month for an all-out, anything-goes session of nonjudgmental reassurances, 28-year-old Sarah Dotson said the evening quickly turned into "a total rager," with the friends sharing excessive amounts of admiration, empathy, and encouragement for one another.

"The entire night we just went balls out with the confidence-boosting," Dotson said of the gathering, adding that by 10 p.m. she had already partaken in seven or eight mutual expressions of positive regard. "It was completely insane. We bolstered the shit out of Kelly's self-esteem, and by the time the check came, we had her shouting that her boss was a huge asshole for not recognizing all her hard work and giving her that promotion."

"We just kept telling her how fucking talented and beautiful she was until eventually the restaurant had to ask us to leave," Dotson added.

As the women moved from one bar to the next, the evening reportedly only grew more and more wild, with the friends telling one another whatever they needed to hear regarding callous comments made by boyfriends, deteriorating relationships with family members, pet deaths, or frustrating new haircuts.

"We've always been a group of friends that listens hard, and consoles even harder," said Teri Lange, 28, who admitted that by the end of the night she had lost count of how many thoughtful, heartfelt compliments she had dished out. "Every time I turned around, left and right, there was somebody helping Karen to own the fuck out of the frustration she feels toward her fiancé."

"The girls and I just absolutely let loose with that shit until Karen had the strength to accept that her emotions are real whether she likes them or not, and she has to let herself feel them if she ever wants to move on," Lange added.

Sources reported that at approximately 11 p.m., the unruly and increasingly self-accepting women got completely out of hand, respecting and valuing each other to the point that many had clearly had far too much validation. One member of the group reportedly felt so validated she disappeared into the bathroom for a while to cry.

Melissa Byers admitted she was still a bit overwhelmed the morning after her binge-validating spree. The 29-year-old told reporters she was hoarse from loudly singing praises, and simply "wiped out" from so much dancing around touchy subjects.

"By closing time, we were all getting pretty sloppy with our affirmations, validating anything and everything we could find," said Byers, adding that her neck was stiff from a night spent constantly nodding in agreement. "I must have told Teri at least 15 times she'd made the right move by deciding to try and work things out with her boyfriend. What the hell was I thinking? That guy's a total shitheel."

Patrons at Shoemaker's Pub confirmed the rambunctious women would repeatedly get up in each other's faces, stridently identify their true feelings, and embrace for dozens of hugs—only to sit down again and continue on with round after round of the strongest praise.

"Almost every night of the week we get a group of ladies like this who get a little bit disruptive and rowdy, but who are basically harmless, for the most part," bartender Mike Kuhn said. "If I get complaints about them being noisy or obnoxious, I'll ask them nicely to settle down."

"But I try not to be too hard on them, considering all the stress they've been through lately," Kuhn added. "Sounds like it's been really crazy at work. And when you're busy trying to balance a career and a hectic social life, it must be difficult to find time for yourself."

Flayer wrote:Very funny. Was this an Onion piece or something like that?